I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
