half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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