Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
