Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
