Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
