I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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