I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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