There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
