I need to stop coming to work sober
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
