woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
