i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
