I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
