We're facebook friends in real life
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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