I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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