I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
