then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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