Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
