just tell him i said nine months
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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