really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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