He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
