Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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