My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
