My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Welp...herpes.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
