i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
