I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
