I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
