I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
