so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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