I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
