I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
