get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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