woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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