NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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