Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
