so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
