Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I pour the whiskey from now on
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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