Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
