I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
accomplished twins. life is a go
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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