allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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