Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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