Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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