my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
