I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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