you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
