you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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