so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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