Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
