What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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