the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
