Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
