one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
