she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
