Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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