I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
